by Rabbi Mordecai Griffin

“One who acts with compassion when firmness is called for will eventually act with cruelty when compassion is needed.” Kohelet Rabbah 7:33

The word for kindness in Hebrew is chesed (חסד). The word for mercy or compassion is rachamim (רחמים). Interestingly, the word for womb in Hebrew is rechem (רחם) and it is related to the word for mercy. Indeed, the place of the womb is a sanctuary compassion, mercy and kindness. All of these are highly valued character traits in Judaism. We must strive to emulate HaShem Who is he Father of Compassion and the Master of Mercy. In the grace after meals blessing, we refer to HaShem as HaRachaman – The Compassionate One. We, too, must be full of mercy and compassion.

Having said this, there are times when we may misuse chesed. Sometimes showing kindness is inappropriate and we need to apply firm discipline. In fact, misguided compassion can bring the person great harm. The way in which to avoid this error is to strive to apply truth to every situation and not emotion. In this way we will avoid covering up bad attitudes and bad behaviors with a misapplication of kindness.

Rabbi Abraham Twerski M.D. tells a story of one of his patients who suffered from alcoholism. She had been involved in several car accidents. One winter night she totaled her father’s brand new car because she was driving while intoxicated. Using her “young lady” charm, she pleaded with the police officer to report the accident as weather related because she feared the wrath of her father. The officer had (misguided) compassion on her and ignored the fact that she had been drinking. He likely thought that he was being “understanding”, “kind”, “compassionate” or – perhaps – even felt that he was not being “judgmental”. He was both very sweet and very wrong.

A short time later the young woman was involved in a more serious accident also cause by her driving while intoxicated. She severally injured her face and, despite extensive cosmetic surgery, never fully recovered. She told Rabbi Twerski, “The police officer thought he was being kind to me. However, had I been arrested, I might have been forced into rehab and would not have suffered this facial injury.” In this situation, the application of firm justice by the officer would actually have been a tremendous act of chesed.

In Luke 15:11–32 Yeshua tells the parable of the prodigal son. In that story we read:

At this point, misguided compassion would find itself traveling to the far country, locating the son and feeding him while he was in the swine field. One might decry, “After all, we can’t let him starve!” not realizing that such “chesed” will only perpetuate his time with the pigs. Others may wish to maintain a connection with the boy not realizing that this serves only as a soft condonement of his lifestyle. When people are living in unrepentant sin, it does not help them to maintain a “friendly” connection. In fact, Yeshua taught us that once they have rejected the chance to do the right thing, then we are not to have anything to do wit them. We must treat them like a “tax collector” which was a vile personality in the first century. Maintaining a unaltered friendship with them does not provide the “tough love” or harsh discipline necessary to effect a change in a bad attitude and bad behavior. If we truly care for someone then we must realize that sometimes the chesed they need most is harsh discipline.

Our minds and truth must guide our emotions. This is true chesed. Misguided chesed which comes from an empathy that is inordinate in its application will only cause more pain. One way that we can avoid this mistake is to ask the advice of others whose minds may not be clouded with affection or distracting emotions. Yes, we need to people people of great compassion and love. Sometimes that means being people of strict justice.

How does HaShem change our bad attitudes and bad behaviors? Does He accomplish this by maintaining our flow of blessings? No, He does not. He provokes us to teshuvah by allowing us to walk through various afflictions. Let us, therefore, truly emulate the Master of Compassion.